time for a rant, so a few days ago i went up to my college to meet sarah and hang out with her in between her classes. anyway i was feeling pretty bummed and i think she could tell, she always flirts with me and is affectionate and always hanging off my arm when im with her (even tho shes fucking around with another guy, probably does the same thing to him) anyway normally i dont mind this, but when we went down to the cafeteria this girl gave me a kind of wierd look. lets see if i can describe it; we were standing in the hallway looking at the doors to the cafe to see if it was closed, i was looking out the window and these 2 girls were outside, the one saw me and made like a surprised face. then they both came inside and as they walked past she said hi to me. i dont know what it meant, but after that i didnt want anyone to think i was involved with sarah.

fast forward to after we ate, we decided to play cards, now whenever we play she usually beats me. but this time i was able to win, and this pissed her right off (shes such a poor sport, needs to learn how to lose) so she says "fuck you" and starts texting her new guy and wouldnt even look at me, wait i wrote that in the wrong order, before we played i had invited her to come with me to a tournament on friday (we both suffer from social anxiety disorder and going to things like this is easier with friends) even tho i kinda knew she would blow me off i invited her anyway

so the day of the tournament rolls around, and i text her to see if she was ready to go. and he responds to me, from her fucking phone, he has the nerve to respond to me it took all my willpower not to drive over there and beat him into oblivion. why do i even care anymore i dont know, shes so mean to me and doesnt even give a shit about me, why do i still love her? well ive had just about enough of this, i told her we needed to talk and i intend on laying all my cards on the table. im sick of the mind games, if she doesnt want to talk to me ever again good!

Ive never been much of a jewelry wearer (partially due to the stereotype that men are discouraged to wear it) but lately ive been wearing a hemp rope bracelet that sarah made for me when we were going out, so it has sentimental value. im a big fan of earth tones and natural looking stuff so i think it looks pretty good on me.

anywho, a few years ago my mom gave me this silver 6 sided star with a triangle of amber in the center, she assured me that it was pagan and not jewish (even tho everyone who sees it thinks its a star of david, well technically it is) ive been using it as a keychain. well last night i decided i would make it into a necklace, so i tied a piece of hemp string around it and presto! i still feel kind of funny about wearing it in public, even if its under my shirt

in the future id like to get some tasteful silver rings (silver fasinates me, its such a cool metal, i mean how many metals can say theyre antibacterial?) and possibly a pentagram, once i can find a crystal/gem that has meaning to me the way silver does then i can get something really special

so yesterday afternoon i was feeling especially lonely and bored, i decided to get some chinese food.  as i pulled out of the little strip mall down the street, where the chinese restaurant is located, i was surprised to see my buddy keanan pulling in (he works at the video rental place in the same strip mall) after eatting my food i grabbed my magic cards and went back down, to visit him at work. we ended up playing several very close games and i mentioned how i had a bottle of rum that i planned on drinking by myself tonight (i never used to drink, but funny thing about depression) so we decide to go over to his house after he got off work to drink and play more cards, we also called our other friend leo and got him to come.

it gets to around 1:30AM and were all pretty hungry, so leo suggests we go to taco bell. at this point im pretty drunk and i really dont know whats going on, i just know we were driving around til like 3 looking for someplace that was still open, finally we found that the drive through at mcdonalds was 24 hours. after devouring my food we went back to keanans house and played cards even more. i didnt get home until like 5:30 which i think is a new record for me. its a shame that i cant hang out with them more often, they both go to school and dont have much free time :(

ok so the situation with sarah (my ex gf) is getting really complicated. describing the whole story here would take way to long, so ill just sum it up; I wanted a serious relationship, and she didnt. its not that we didnt get along either, we were great for each other.

as of this moment im sort of stuck between her friend and her bf, shes seeing this other dude, but she also still sees me and we do pretty much everything we did when we were dating (including sex) is it possible that she just wants to have her cake and eat it to? at my expense. i just cant handle this i want to be the only one for her, i wish that other guy didnt exsist!

I realize this is unhealthy, but i cant stop, i guess i still love her, or maybe im just weak. i wish i could find someone who didnt play these fucking mind games, thats never gonna happen tho, im to shy and passive, even if i do think im attractive thats not enough when you dont have any courage. i dont think ill ever meet anyone :/